dark spirit

Spirit Of Diyana.

Awe has been the response. “Wow!” = (bombastic) (pretentious) (high level) (weird)

Spirit. It’s something that we rarely talk about or acknowledge. Heck, some don’t believe in such mumbo-jumbo. It kinda has the same ring as Magic.

I believe we all have a Spirit. It’s what makes us who we truly are. Sure the brain might have got something to do with our character. But the Spirit is what differentiates between identical twins, for example. While it may seem that our Spirit has been set, I think it changes as we grow. It absorbs the things we see, hear, feel and experience and becomes a recipe of one’s essence.

That being said, the Spirit is not always basking in sunshine; it is sometimes clouded by darkness. Whilst I may portray myself as a happy-go-lucky, smile-a-lot person, I am not always so. It is easier to show the good or happy side of oneself rather than the other. Due to the circumstances of my life, it seems that I have no choice but to show the other side(s) too. Otherwise, I might explode.

Indeed, my Spirit is quite dark at the present. This is not unusual, as I have felt this before. At least, compared to before, I now know the symptom, cause and solution. However, I have yet to gather the recipes to resolve this situation. All in good time, I suppose. But for now, I just want to warn you that there may be more negative thoughts here. Do not worry though, I am not suicidal. I promise.

It is just that I need an outlet to get rid of these nasty thoughts and emotions, and to be sure that at least one person may read. That is until there is a person who would care enough to truly listen regularly so that I do not have to express it here.

Since I am physically fine, I think this is surely a mental health problem. What is it exactly I do not know. But it is something that has been coming and going for some years now. I will seek professional help if it is truly unbearable because really all I need is (real life) constant support and companion. It’s not that complicated.

In the meantime, I shall figure this out on my own as I usually do and perhaps expect a burst of creativity, as these times usually invoke.


birthday reminiscence

The 9th of June every year has always coincided with some holiday or another. The past three birthdays were spent in the UK as I was studying there, and I always did something or other. The first year in 2013 on my 20th birthday, I went punting on the River Wear with my corridor mate, Eiffel. It was a brilliant sunny day and I had a good laugh at Eiffel not being able to punt very well. We then walked around Durham and had a nice meal.

Me punting on the River Wear

On my 21st birthday, I took an hour train ride to the medieval city of York and spent time with my bestie, Aliyyah. It was another beautiful sunny birthday! We went to a chocolate factory and learnt about Rowntree’s history whilst nibbling on free samples. I got excited when I walked through The Shambles a.k.a. Diagon Alley, hoping Hagrid would appear. He didn’t, but it felt magical nonetheless.

Me standing in the middle of The Shambles

A day after my final exam ended in my final year, I hopped on a plane to Munich. There I joined my other bestie, Dinie, and her brother. A week of travelling in Europe! On the 9th, which was the third (or was it fourth?) day of Ramadan, we were in Rome. We took in the sights and sounds but had to resist the taste of pizza and 90 cents coffee. It was the best birthday yet.

Me with Dinie at the Colosseum

This year, I’m in Malaysia. The 9th of June fell on a Friday, a working day, but I had decided to take the day off because no hell way was I going to get stuck in the office the whole day. So, I spent the day basically at home relaxing. Quite a contrast compared to previous years but I think wouldn’t have it any other way. It had been a long time since I was at home for my birthday so it was a good change.

I spent the morning watering the plants and absorbing the vitamin D. The afternoon was spent editing videos, watching YouTube videos, editing and posting photos on Instagram, replying thank yous to people who sent me birthday wishes, keeping tabs on the UK snap election, and rolling on my bed. A pretty chilled birthday.

For dinner, my mum, brother and I went to BMS Organic, which is an organic vegetarian restaurant. I brought along my cake that I had ordered. It was a raw vegan cheesecake by Aesthetic Eats. I loved every bit of it and I was amazed by how it was absolutely raw! I was also given another cake — a vegan chocolate cake — by a colleague at work. That was a total surprise but a much appreciated one.

The chocolate cake that my colleague surprised me with
The raw vegan cheesecake with a personalised message!

We then went to watch a movie, The Mummy, because my mum loves Tom Cruise. I think it wasn’t too bad but it wasn’t very great either. I liked the message of sacrificing oneself for the one you love, albeit a bit cliché. All in all, I was glad to spend time with my mum and brother (and my gorgeous plants). I definitely had a pleasant birthday.

the quiet rhythm

The office sounds like a toned-down version of what it had probably been like during the 1900s when a room full of typewriters made their joyful clickety-clack sounds. At least, that’s what the period movies usually depict. Quite therapeutic, the rhythmic bashing of computer keyboards lulls me to a state of almost-asleep. It’s after lunch and my mind would always shut down briefly around this time. I believe it has something to do with how the digestive system is using up most of the energy in the body and so the brain has to give in.

So, I sit back on my chair, cross-legged and neck tilting slightly upwards. It takes my brain at least 15 minutes to replenish the energy it needs. Sometimes it may demand more time and usually, I wouldn’t mind. Alas, Guilt kicks in and reminds me that I am paid to sit here and do work. At the same time, Pride barges in and tells me that I’m in full control of my life; I can and should do whatever I want. To appease Guilt, I wake up. To satisfy Pride, I continue day-dreaming.

It is still rather quiet, but the rhythm goes on. I wonder, as I always do, how they can keep on typing. Do they really enjoy doing their work? Is it just merely an obligation they have to fulfil? I don’t think I can type continuously for more than 3 minutes even on a topic that I find interesting. My mind pauses at intervals. Like my body, it needs rest every now and then.

The bashing reduced to two pairs of hands. The quiet remains. We are each in our own little universe. And quite suddenly, a different sound decides to join. It was first a pitter-patter and then quickly joined by a rush like that of a waterfall. The furious rain hitting the roof breaks the spell and the two pairs of hands take a breather, a pair of legs starts walking to the loo and a voice starts an empty conversation.


The above was written today. Whenever my mind feels congested and my heart is dangerously close to exploding, I indulge in writing. I played with my senses, which caused me to be present. Then, I write down what I see, hear, touch or smell. I played with the sentence structure and I gave inanimate objects some character. It may not be great, but the process sparked that thing in me that I nearly forgot how it felt. And I bloody love it.


This post is purely for showing off my recently owned typewriter, and as an excuse for the lack of posts lately.

Note that I said “recently owned” not “bought”. This is because this Adler typewriter had been lying in my grandmother’s cabinet for ages. I think it belonged to one of my aunties. Long story short, I had longed for a typewriter since last year and actually thought of purchasing one from a local seller. When my uncle knew about this obsession of mine, he told me that there might be one at his mother’s house.

And when the existence of the typewriter was confirmed, I knew I had to have it. I didn’t care what brand it was as long as it was functional. I asked for permission to own it and planned a trip to grandma’s. It might have sounded like that trip was just to take the typewriter, but it was not just for that. It was high time that I visited grandma.


Fast forward to over a month later, I sent Adler (henceforth, my typewriter is called Adler) to a typewriter specialist for it to be oiled and given a new ribbon. The person also recommended a new paint. It was not originally black; it was yellow.

A week later, Adler was as good as new! I was super excited when I picked it up from the repair man. We chatted a bit about typewriters and I could clearly see that he was well-versed in the topic. He also told me that Adler was made in Japan. From my research, I thought Adler was German-made but it turns out that although it bore the German name, at some point in history the manufacturing was moved to Japan. I don’t know if I should be disappointed or not.

Anyway, do check out the Instagram account of the typewriter specialist.

I mentioned that this is an excuse for my inactivity lately. Well, I have a project in mind that involves the typewriter. No, it’s not writing a novel. I’d rather do that on Microsoft Word. It’s something else that I do not want to say, yet. But it’s something that if I manage to complete, I think it would be of great value not just to me but hopefully to supplement people’s general knowledge.

Also, I’ve been busy with work and trying to meet people of similar interests such as in veganism and environmental issues. Work takes up most of the time on weekdays. Networking may take up one day of the weekend, which leaves the other day for me to recuperate. And so I can barely make time for blogging, which is sad. But I shall keep on working at it as long as I don’t completely stop.

I have queued a few posts after this so you may expect at least one post a week, inshallah. In any case, thank you for reading and for sticking around! Much love x





productive discussions

I was listening to a podcast entitled “Digital Lives” by Colin Wright. He posed this prospect of being cut off from the Internet either intentionally or not, and how businesses especially would get affected by it considering how reliant their system is on the Internet. Most of us use various Google software as parts of our daily lives – Gmail, Google Calendar, Google Drive, Google Maps, YouTube, etc. So it’s quite terrifying, or perhaps liberating for some, to imagine how our lives would be like without those tools.

For me, I think that if I were to be the only one being cut off from the Internet, I would definitely feel left out and it would be much more difficult for me to reach out to people. But if the rest of the world is to be somehow cut off from the Internet perhaps by a massive solar flare, I think I would be a bit more relaxed because then everyone would shift their focus to elsewhere and not on a device. I’m not dependent on the Internet even though I use it every day. It’s just that I wouldn’t be devastated if I have to live without it.

After thinking about this, I have the inclination to voice out to a person. I looked to my left; the car seat was empty. Listening to Colin Wright felt like someone else was there talking to me and I nearly forgot that I was on my way to work and no one else was in the car. I then thought, “With whom can I immediately talk about this?”. I don’t have a significant other. I do have friends and I love them and all, but they are often not as inclined to care for my wild thoughts daily, as a significant other would – and that’s just plain reality.

Basically, there is no one keen enough to muse with my thoughts on a daily or weekly basis. This might be normal whereas having someone to talk to is a privilege. Or it might be the other way round for some. I don’t know. But this is normal for me. And it seems like unless you have a significant other who cares a hell lot about your hopes and worries, then you just have to put up with the thoughts weighing in your head.

I guess this is one of the reasons why I write. I need to write. Otherwise, sooner or later, I wouldn’t be able to think and behave very well because my mind’s all clogged up. The thoughts have to be displaced elsewhere. Some people may not realise this because displacing their thoughts is a natural habit thanks to the people around them who are willing to listen.

But I think that there are people willing to listen; it’s whether they could provide their input at par with the required level of thinking. I don’t mean to sound proud, as though I’m at a higher level of thinking than everybody else. But the things I mull over in my head are often not the kind of things people would like to talk about over lunch. So most of the time I am reluctant to bring up a topic lest others would not respond satisfactorily. And that would just irritate me.

So I shall continue to write and post my thoughts in articles, hoping to come across people or at least ONE person who would appreciate my thoughts and contribute theirs so as to build upon each other’s knowledge. That’s what I truly need right now – productive discussions that can help improve my way of thinking and drive my ideas into tangible results. I could realise my ambitions alone, sure, but it would take a longer time and much more effort than necessary.